Happily or Bitterly Married?

How to escape from the physical, emotional and spiritual dangers of bitterness in marriage.

Marcelo Díaz

Bitterness within marriage is very common. Hundreds of marriages that begin filled with happiness, after a time end up separating, with a very bitter experience. However, I don't want to focus attention on them, but on those who attempt to continue, who as the years go by have seen their lives deteriorate through constant tension.

Married life is composed of two people who decide to love one another for life. In this relationship, when one of the two makes a mistake along the way, showing their more selfish facets, it makes the other half experience the pain of bitterness.

What is bitterness?

What is bitterness? It is often described as resembling pinpricks in the heart. It is a permanent aggravation; a feeling of annoyance and discomfort. It is an emotional state in which the person (the spouse) feels that there is nothing else to be done. The anguish, the sadness, the impotence, the pain and the resignation reach a summit from which there is no escape. It is a dead end, of solitude and emptiness. It is a dark well inside the soul, where only pain exists. Emotions, thoughts and one's own will are impregnated with a horrible flavor.

Everyone, at some time or other has felt different degrees of bitterness; it is part of our human nature. Peter, Jesus' disciple, experienced bitterness in his flesh; he suffered when considering his deplorable behavior. Faced with the pain of failure, he wept bitterly (Luke. 22:62). But to harbor roots of bitterness is a truly serious problem. So serious in fact, that it has grievous consequences, especially in the spiritual life. Bitterness, when left without being treated, occupies a place in the heart that extends itself so as to hinder the operation of God's grace in the believer's life. For this reason in the epistle to the Hebrews we are exhorted to: "looking carefully lest there be any man that falleth short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby the many be defiled." (Heb. 12:15).

This warning, "looking carefully", calls for an inner observation of our heart, in order to detect any noxious element for the spiritual life.

Think for a moment of the vastness of the grace God. God is abundant in grace, but this can be hindered in a heart that cultivates roots of bitterness.

Paul, in the letter to the Ephesians, also notices this problem and exhorts the brothers saying: "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice" (Eph.4:31).

A bad elaboration of what happens in marriage will cause the heart to make room for an inappropriate feeling, and through the course of time risks becoming a root.

Characteristics of bitterness

Bitterness has three characteristics that make it very harmful in the life of believing couples.

First, it has rational logic sustenance. That is to say, that whatever has happened is real and rationally explicable. The mind will form a rational thought that will explain what happened, validating one's feelings of pain and leaving them a slave of the given situation. Thus, bitterness is strengthened, sustained in a rational explanation of facts or circumstances, which will make the individual locate himself in the position of the victim. Therefore, your thoughts will say: "He (or she) was the one who sinned; I am innocent"; "He (or she) did it voluntarily; it is not enough for him (or her) to ask me for forgiveness", etc.

Second whoever becomes a listener will find good reason for bitterness. So that if a brother listens to you, the most probable thing is that they will end up thinking: "Poor him (or her), I pity him (or her)"; "I would not like to be in his (or her) place"; "What a tremendous test"; "He has every right to feel like this", etc.

Third, no listener will dare to question the bitter individual's story, because if they dare to contradict it, they run the great risk of being classified unmerciful, a bad friend, a bad brother (or sister) and lacking Christian love.

Do you realize what a harmful thing being filled with bitterness is? It is an inner prison within the heart, where there is no place for anyone or anything except pain. Indeed, it means being a slave to oneself, a subtle trap in which one is deceived, and then, without realizing, is overwhelmed with bitterness, which brings with it wrath, clamor, and railing. (Eph. 4:31).

Friends of bitterness

Thus, as if bitterness itself were not enough, there are at least three associate feelings which are "friends of bitterness", and which actively participate in the process.

The first is self pity. This feeling is, in other words, to feel like the victim. The Christian begins to look only to himself and at the pain that surrounds him, with feelings of commiseration and compassion, as though he (or she) were the center of attention of the whole universe. Then all his (or her) thoughts will say: "Poor me", "The asme thing always happens to me", "I suffer so much", "He (or she) will have to come to ask me for forgiveness", "I didn't do anything wrong", etc.

The second friend is resentment. One's memory begins to replay the whole situation over time and again. One feels the same hurt each time he (or she) remembers that occasion. Suddenly one has the memory of an elephant, remembering the most hidden details of the situation, bringing them up time and again. One meditates and chews over the bitterness, extracting all of its bitter flavor. Thus in each discussion or disagreement you will recall the episode that hurt you so much, reproaching your husband (or wife).

The third friend is paranoia. This is an affective state in which you begin to interpret reality according to your subjectivity; feeling that everyone has plotted against you. The reality of what really happened goes out the window; and everyone seems to have participated, in some way or other - by common agreement - to plan your destruction. Thus, a jealous husband (or wife) will begin to interpret everything with suspicion: the phone calls, the greetings of the brothers, the expenditure, the timetables, the noises, the friendships, etc. What a tragedy! This seems like make believe, but regrettably it is part of our humanity.

Now, think for a moment about the three characteristic signs of bitterness, and add its three friends which collaborate with it. And ask yourself: will there be any room for the grace of God?

Bitterness won't only prevent the grace of God reaching within, but even those around you will be contaminated, especially your children, because out of the abundance of the heart speaks the mouth. When it has reached the point whereby it affects your speech, it means that bitterness has begun to take form within you. Hence all your thoughts will work in favor of bitter feelings, and soon your self-will will assume a different outlook on life, an attitude of scorn for certain people, especially for those who are causing you pain. The whole soul will thus be prisoner to itself. Later on, your spiritual life will begin to be affected; you will no longer be able to pray, nor read the Scriptures. You will begin to be bothered by the fellowship of the brothers. The spiritual life of marriage will displease you, you will find your husband (or wife) hypocritical, you will continually lose the joy of being married, and finally, even the joy of salvation.

And as if this were not enough, as human beings are a single unit, (spirit, soul and body), your body will also be affected, receiving, as the final stroke of the pen, the pernicious effect of bitterness. You will contract illnesses and pains that are difficult to diagnose which will cause a continually deteriorating standard of life. Like in James' letter, for example, which exhorts some brothers who are sick to be healed, calling the elders from the Church, confessing their sins, and forgiving one another. Is it not possible then that these sick people reached this state because of roots of bitterness accumulated against the elders? (Jam.5:14-18).

What a sad picture, how painful reaching such a condition! All because of the attitude of the heart.

The necessity of forgiveness

Does God want to see us reach such a state? Of course not. For that reason there is just one remedy. To be free from this trap into which the heart has fallen and has suffered these pains, it is necessary to forgive.

Forgiveness is a simple and straightforward act, but it is impossible for the flesh. The flesh completely resists forgiveness and cries out, not for the righteousness of God, but for punishment and vengeance.

Therefore, a heart first needs to be forgiven and then to forgive. A Christian husband (or wife) must recognize that the condition of their heart has been wrong, for which it needs to be freed from itself and to receive the freshness of forgiveness; to ask God for forgiveness for that mistakenness of heart. One needs to subject their reasonings to the test of the Word, which will discern the thoughts and the intentions of the heart. (Heb. 4:12). Asking God for forgiveness will truly make you free.

Once one you have clear consciousness of your sin - even your prayer has often been colored by your selfishness - you are free, through Christ, to forgive. Perhaps somebody might say: "I cannot forgive", then the answer is: "Indeed, you cannot forgive." For that reason you need Christ; in Him we have been given a different life, the eternal life by means of which we are overcomers.

Christ is our forgiveness, and it is also He who forgives. Christ's life operates through ours, offering forgiveness to the person who, even according to our perturbed judgment, doesn't deserve it. That is how great the Blessed work of Christ is. Make a change in your prayer. Don't pray: "Father, help me to forgive", but "Father, give me more of Christ."